I Propose A Commercial For Sprint’s Unlimited Data Plan

I recently switched from Verizon Wireless to Sprint. While Verizon definitely has the best network (sorry guys), I upgraded from a Crapberry Curve to a Samsung Galaxy S3 and wanted Actually Really Unlimited Data. Yes, I could have bought the phone at full price and kept my grandfathered “unlimited data” with Verizon Wireless. But, as readers of my very first Wetmachine post know, I try to vote with my wallet for good policy. Back in the day, I subscribed to a CLEC and DIRECTV, then switched to FIOS because FIBER IS BETTER and good policy. Besides, my wife has been a Sprint customer since forever and we save a bundle by combining into a single family plan.

Anyhoo, to get back to the point of this blog post. I am sure many of you out there have seen this heartwarming ad from Verizon Wireless called “Always There.” In it, a young lad preparing for his tuba recital looks out with disappointment to see only Mom and sisters in attendance. As young lad takes his seat, Mom launches a Verizon hot spot and young lad is thrilled to see father and grandparents attending virtually. Hurray! Shared data and Verizon’s 4G network save young lad from future abandonment issues from his workaholic father.

Unfortunately for young lad and his family, it better be a fairly short piece because Verizon’s data plans limit you to 4GB shared data per month for a Smartphone plan and up to 10 GB per month shared for a tablet/iPad. What if Mom had already used up bandwidth streaming big sister’s black belt test, for example? As this Sprint ad shows, fights over sharing scarce bandwidth are rapidly becoming America’s #1 source of family friction.

I recently encountered this actual problem in real life. My brother and his wife were delivered of a healthy baby boy last week. According to ancient Jewish tradition, we scheduled a brit milah (circumcision ceremony) for the 8th day after the boy was born. i.e., yesterday. Unfortunately, my Mom recently had back surgery, and could not make it down for the occasion. What’s a Jewish family to do? My Mom not able to attend her grandson’s brit milah? Oy! Such a shandah! And let me tell you, between the actual ceremony and all the speeches, we are not looking at some 2 minute recital here. Happily, my Sprint unlimited data contract and my Galaxy S3 provided a modern solution.

In the interest of promoting genuinely unlimited data plans (and thus biringing harmony once again to America’s families), I propose this new commercial for Sprint’s unlimited plan entitled: Data Caps Suck Foreskin.

Roll it . . . .


Image: young parents clustered around a newborn baby wrapped like a burrito.

Voice over: When my younger brother’s son was born, we were all excited for the bris.

Image: elderly mother in bed, looking sad.

Vocie over: But our mother couldn’t make it, because of her back surgery.

[Sad music, montage of rest of family gettig ready to travel, with mother looking sadly but bravely on]

Voice over: What a shandah! My mother not able to attend her own grandson’s bris! We were all so verklempt. Until I thought of a solution.

[Cut to middle aged guy playing with a Samsung Galaxy S3]

Voice over: I downloaded Skype onto my new Galaxy S3, plugged my Mom’s laptop into her television set.

[Image of Jewish synagogue with Mohel (guy who does the circumcision) and baby and family]

VO: When the time came, I made a Skype call to my Mom. She got to watch the whole thing.

[Image of happy mother surrounded by friends]

VO: She even invited her friends over, so she could kvell about her latest perfect grandchild.

[Image of mohel bent in concentration, sound of baby suddenly crying, Mom and friends applaud, Mom dabs tear from eye.]

VO: And thanks to Sprint’s unlimited data plan, my Mom not only got to see the whole ceremony, but got to listen to the speeches . . .

[Image of Rabbi-dude speaking while crowd snarfs bagels]

VO: And see her new grandchild . . . .

[Heartwarming image of proud daughter-in-law and son holding Galaxy S3 in front of baby, miraculously cooing at phone 2 minutes after getting circumcised.]

VO: And I don’t have to worry about overcharges when I post the pictures afterwards.

[Shot of middle aged guy posting photos, try not to use the one of the actual snippage.]

VO: Thanks to Sprint Unlimited Data, the only thing cut off today was my nephew’s foreskin.

[end commercial]

Poifect, as John Belushi once said in a similar ad, right? What do you mean “don’t quit the day job?”

Stay tuned . . . .

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