To save professional pundits some time, I’ve written a generic op ed for pundits giving their hot takes on the election. Pundits, please circle all that apply or fill in blanks in the square brackets.
Thanks to Biden’s [huge] [narrow] victory, it has become clear that I was completely right about [issue on which I said election would turn/group I said would be pivotal]. True, I predicted a bunch of stuff that didn’t happen, and I didn’t predict how things would work out, except for [vague statement usually found in astrology column]. But as we can see, this complete and totally vindicates everything I am about to say.
As I have said before, the single most important issue is [___]. The millions of people I now claim to speak for, since only the subgroup I claim to speak for mattered in the election, have definitively in a clear and unified voice that they [want/don’t want] [issue ____]. Despite 74 million people voting for Biden/Harris, they obviously would not have won without [white suburban housewives/disaffected Republicans/Black women/BLM Activists/Other]. Here are some statistics that I claim prove my point. Without this group, Donald Trump would be our President-elect.
Ignore anyone who tells you that the group they speak for was at least as important — especially the [progressive/centrist] ones. Listening to [progressives/centrists] very nearly cost Democrats the election they should easily have won. After all, despite polls consistently showing that President Trump maintained a solid base, the endlessly discussed structural advantages of Republicans, and the fact that poll after poll shows that Trump supporters do not blame Trump for Covid and think he is doing an excellent job, this should have been a landslide. Only because [centrists/progressives] insisted on talking about [issue I don’t like] instead of [real issue] was this even close. Only because of things totally outside the control of Dem Senate and House candidates actually running in their state/local races, but completely within the control of [progressives activists/centrist leadership], did Democrats suffer such a dismal result down ticket.
Happily, I am totally qualified to speak for this monolithic group to whom the Biden/Harris Administration — and the Democratic Party — owe their continued existence. This group is tired of being [ignored/taken for granted/disrespected (check all that apply)] This group [wants] [doesn’t want] a President who focuses on [issue]. What they deserve, and demand, is a President who [does/doesn’t] [thing]. President Biden will need to work hard in his first hundred days to show [my group] that he is genuinely listening and understands their needs.
It is extremely fortunate that despite these completely unprecedented times of a national pandemic and accompanyine economic crisis, hyper-partisanship, and the dismal wreck of our foreign alliances by Trump, the same things I have insisted for the last 10-20 years of my career as a professional pundit are exactly the things President Biden, Vice President Harris, Speaker Pelosi, and all right thinking people should do. Republicans will [be willing to work in a bipartisan nature/be totally opposed to anything], and the new Biden/Harris Administration must recognize this reality.
Doing exactly what I say will require strong leadership. The [Centrist/Progressive] wing of the party will undoubtedly want [things I don’t want]. They will demand [things I consider dangerous]. But only by leading from the [left/center] can Biden maintain the fragile coalition that elected him. It is imperative that [centrists/progressives] recognize that they are directly responsible for everything that went wrong on election night, and that following their policy will cost Democrats the House in 2022 and the White House in 2024.
To conclude, Biden/Harris won because [group I say I speak for] were willing to take a chance on real change. Democrats must stop doing [whatever I say they were were previously doing], and Biden must exclusively cater to [group I say I speak for] by immediately [embracing thing I like/repudiating I don’t like]. This is more than just political expediency. It is a debt the President-elect and Democrats generally owe [people I say I speak for], because these are the only people who are the future of the party.
Stay tuned . . .
